Dude my mom stole all your condoms
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
