I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
