Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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