Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Don't make out with my wife yet
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
