the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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