your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
