guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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