My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
