There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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