Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize