So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize