did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
