hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
