you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
