There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
