Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
