If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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