shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize