haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
