U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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