Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
