He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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