i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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