youre lurking in front of me
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Randomize
