Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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