I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Randomize
