Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
