i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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