problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize