fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
