When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
