i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
