Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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