I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
