theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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