You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
