So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
