I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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