I checked into jail on foursquare
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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