there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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