walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
