I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
