i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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