Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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