You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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