Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
