i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
