funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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