im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
