so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
