You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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