I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
