two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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