I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
