so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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