Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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