Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
