I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
