i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
